I want to tell you how I feel. How much I miss you, how much I want your attention, how much I want you to call me yours. I want to tell you so much, I want so much love to spill from me that you drink it with a permanent sore throat.
But I can’t. I won’t.
Whenever I conjure up some pretty lines or my memory lapses to a time in which you are a the different person I used to believe; my heart stalls and throws me forward and I am forced to see the mud in the windscreen. My wipers used to work pretty good, often I would even wipe it off myself and sometimes, I would just tell myself that I could deal with the dirt. I made everyone believe I was perfectly fine driving with your mud. That it wasn’t so bad and sometimes I even tried to claim it as my own.
Love can only go so far.
You realize that you are out of love with someone, the moment you see them in the fullest and truest picture. The picture you try to avoid, the bad traits and bad memories you have repressed finally come through and your heart goes…”fine…you win.” Your heart and mind are no longer subject to your fantasies of this person. Love can only go so far and when reality decides it’s time, it is time. You stop loving when you realize you can no longer forgive that person. That you can no longer love them despite the pain, the pain not only outweighs the love; it destroys it.
And you feel terrible for its destruction.
Some days you feel like a loser, for giving up on a fairy-tale. You create another fantasy, you conjure up more excuses for that person and it is a vicious circle. You are fully aware of your situation and yet you pretend it is not the one you are in. Under the bed, find some good memories or locked away in the cupboard you will find some hidden laughter. Stop searching a house for reasons to stay when it’s no longer healthy to stay there.
Keep it to yourself.
The care, the love and the jealousy; it will all fade into a nothing without your notice. Do not give the dirt a second more of what it already got undeservedly. Be braver than the pain, suck up the loneliness and appreciate that it tastes far better than the sour taste of lies and deceit. No one is expecting you to be full of smiles, but you no longer deserve a face full of tears.
Stop investigating the pain, its there and you will only find more of it. Don’t put that on yourself, don’t put someones selfishness on your heavy heart. Leave it be. Let it go. Accept that you may not know everything, but you know enough of what you deserve to not care about it. Curiosity will kill your progress. The thoughts that swim in your mind will soon drown, the quicker you refuse to give them air. It does not matter anymore, for it has no effect on where you are going.
You don’t love that person anymore
and aren’t you glad?