I was going to start this piece by saying things you already know.
You’re beautiful. You’re charming. You’re…….more than nice.
I do not know what would disappoint me more;
you knowing these things because you have an inflated ego
or you know because you have a reflection in your bed who mirrors-
everything you whisper to them.
I avoid conversation with you in the sheer hope that you
are interested in me and will ask me directly about my day.
Ask me what I had for lunch,
ask me what song I am listening to,
ask me what I think about at night,
ask me something, anything and all that matters is that-
you are curious about me.
When I see your phone screen light up your face-
like the moon lighting up the nightclub ocean, I
struggle with my decisions.
Do I admire how beautiful you are despite the lack of light
or do I curdle at the fact that someone else has your attention this very night.
I ignore your presence on purpose sometimes,
I pretend not to hear your questions,
I divert my gaze so you don’t catch it,
I give you as little of myself as I possibly can in the day-
because I am saving my energy to give you as much as myself-
will allow in the hush of my dreams.
Deep down, I know that all I am is a face and a name who
appears in a time and a place to you.
Deep down, I know that you are already dialling the number of
a taxi cab to give yourself more time to look pretty for someone else.
Deep down, I know that you ask me questions just so I reciprocate them
and pay your interesting life a favour.
Deep down, I know that I would dial the number of a taxi cab to see you
look pretty, even if it was for the eyes of someone else.
Deep down, I know that your interesting life does not really care for mine.
I know that this space and period we find ourselves in is temporary-
and I know that romanticizing you will only put fuel in a car with no tyres.
I know that when I see your presence, you have already accounted for mine.
I know when you hear my questions, you don’t care if they are answered.
I know that if I catch your gaze, it’s because I was blocking your view.